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Funny Christmas Stuff

from Latresa (

The Night Before Christmas (Texas Style)

T'was the night before Christmas, in Texas, you know.
Way out on the prairie, without any snow.
Asleep in their cabin, were Buddy and Sue,
A dreamin' of Christmas, like me and you.

Not stockings, but boots, at the foot of their bed,
For this was Texas, what more need be said,
When all of a sudden, from out of the still night,
There came such a ruckus, it gave me a fright.

And I saw 'cross the prairie, like a shot from a gun,
A loaded up buckboard, come on at a run,
The driver was "Geein" and "Hawin", with a will,
The horses (not reindeer) he drove with such skill.

"Come on there Buck, Poncho, & Prince, to the right,
There'll be plenty of travelin' for you all tonight."
The driver in Levi's and a shirt that was red,
Had a ten-gallon Stetson on top of his head.

As he stepped from the buckboard, he was really a sight,
With his beard and moustache, so curly and white.
As he burst in the cabin, the children awoke,
And were so astonished, that neither one spoke.

And he filled up their boots with such presents galore,
That neither could think of a single thing more.
When Buddy recovered the use of his jaws,
He asked in a whisper, "Are you really Santa Claus?"

"Am I the real Santa? Well, what do you think?"
And he smiled as he gave a mysterious wink.
Then he leaped in his buckboard, and called back in his drawl,
"To all the children in Texas, Merry Christmas, You-all"


The Twelve Days of Turkey

On the first day of Christmas my true love said to me
I'm glad we've bought a turkey and a proper Christmas tree.
On the second day of Christmas much laughter could be heard
As we tucked into our turkey - a most delicious bird.
On the third day of Christmas we had friends in from next door
The turkey tasted just as good as on the day before.
On the fourth day of Christmas, Gran came--she's rather old.
We finished up the Christmas pud and ate the turkey cold.
On the fifth day of Christmas, outside the snowflakes flurried
But we were nice and warm inside--we ate the turkey, curried.
On the sixth day of Christmas the turkey spirit died.
The children fought and bickered and we ate the turkey--fried.
On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave a wince
When he sat down to dinner and was given turkey mince.
On the eighth day of Christmas, the dog ran off for shelter
I served up turkey pancakes and a glass of Alka-Seltzer.
On the ninth day of Christmas, poor Dad began to cry
He said he couldn't stand the strain of eating turkey pie.
On the tenth day of Christmas, the air was rather blue
And everybody grumbled at eating turkey stew.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, the Christmas tree was moulting
Mince pies hard as rock and the turkey quite revolting.
On the twelfth day of Christmas at last Dad smacked his lips
The guests had gone, the turkey, too - we dined on fish and chips!


Santa, dear Santa, you worry us so.
I feel I must tell you some things you should know.
That belly of yours just gets bigger each year.
We think it reveals too much holiday cheer.

We've started a fan club, there's three of us here.
There's me and an elf and a faithful reindeer.
You are our hero, you've touched us somehow.
You're all that we have to believe in right now.

You check us all out to see if we're naughty.
Is that glow on your nose from an extra hot toddy?
While we love to hear all your ho ho ho ho-ing,
The list of fat stories they tell just keeps growing.

Is it true that last Christmas you suffered from gout,
And those snazzy red trousers you wear were let out?
One strange vicious rumor, it's a false one we hope:
Has you dropping gifts down the chimneys by rope.

While all of your ho hos we know very well,
Your ding dongs, we fear, don't come from a bell.
They say, as your reindeer streak through the sky,
You drink cherry cokes with your raspberry pie.

The aerobics instructors are all sure to say,
"You ought to work out, maybe jog with the sleigh."
Perhaps strong exertion is too much for you.
But you really should try just a sit up or two.

So shed a few pounds, Santa, what do you say?
We all want you back to enjoy Christmas day.
Season's greetings from me, one reindeer, one elf.
Merry Christmas to you, please take care of yourself.

--Grandpa Tucker


Dear Santa, I hold you in highest regard,
That's why I am sending this holiday card.
First I will wish you much seasonal cheer,
We're looking forward to your visit here.

I'm sure that you know my young brother, Bill.
Who sometimes behaves like six year olds will.
I hope you'll forgive him for being so bad
His horrible acts make his sweet sister sad.

Six months have passed since he shaved our poor cat
And put Krazy Glue in Uncle Bob's hat.
Now I have forgiven with all of my soul
The dumb silly putty in my donut's hole.

That you are forgiving was made extra clear
When you honored his wish for a drum set last year.
Now I'm writing this card for everyone's sake
So you will not make another mistake.

You soon will be getting a letter from him,
So just put a line through each silly whim.
He doesn't think straight. He acts so in haste,
It'll take a few years to teach him good taste.

Now, Santa you know of the many real dangers
Involved in the use of those dumb Power Rangers.
With violence being our fear--Number One!
It wouldn't make sense to give him that gun.

So bring him a Barbie with nice fancy clothes,
And new dresses, size eight, with cute little bows.
If you do as I ask, I'll try, Santa Dear
To help him behave much better next year.

--Grandpa Tucker


Reindeer flu and a broken sleigh?
Tomorrow will be Christmas day!
BUT WAIT! The kids are still in luck,
Santa just bought a great big truck.

Clear the highways for that thing,
Let the bells of Christmas ring,
Joys of the season will abound,
When Santa puts that hammer down.

He needed help and asked the elves.
And they bought Harleys for themselves.
There's two in front, four guard the rear
We have a Christmas convoy here.

A sixteen wheeler on it's way
To spread the Christmas love to day.
The countryside is filled with joy,
Merry Christmas to each girl and boy.

--Grandpa Tucker


Here's one for the kids!

Christmas is near--Santa's workshop is busy--
The elves are all running around in a tizzy!

There are zillions of toys
that the elves have to make
And a trillion or two
Christmas goodies to bake.

The way Santa's checking his list, you can bet
There won't be a girl or a boy he'll forget.

A nice little boy wrote to Santa Claus twice--
He thinks a toy sports car would really be nice!

Some little girl will be jumping for joy
At getting a new yellow ducky pull toy!
One elf is testing some red pogo sticks,
And another is trying out fun magic tricks!

The elves are all happy with Santa's surprise--
A nice Christmas tree that's a perfect elf-size.

Making the baby dolls sure is a treat--
Some walk, some can talk,
Others cry, sleep and eat.

The sewing machines whir and happily hum
In the part of the shop where the stuffed toys come from.

Sometimes the elves take a short eggnog break
To eat tiny pies, and their favorite--shortcake.

The elves make toy puppies that turn out just right--
Tails wag when they're happy, and paws hold kids tight.

Way in the back is the wind-up-toy shop,
Where the tin soldiers march, and toy frogs learn to hop.

There are handle bar streamers to hand on each bike,
And it takes three elves to put wheels on each trike!

Fixing the treats makes for real hungry elves,
So they make sure they bake extra sweets for themselves.

The carpenter elves make the wagons and sleds,
And saw, paint and hammer some pretty doll beds.

The fast way to stripe candy canes, one elf's found,
Is to hold the brush tight and then run round and round.

Making a teddy bear's really an art--
You have to put teddy bear love in his heart.

The elves work at top speed all day, for they know
There are only a few working days left to go!

Santa's all ready to pack up the sleigh--
He'll hook up the reindeer and be on his way!

author unknown...

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