THIS 'N THAT
An ongoing collection of amusing,
interesting, informative, and thoughtful posts
made to HOMESPUN...
posted by Simahoyo
The First Parent
Whenever your kids are out of control,
you can take comfort from the thought that even
God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids.
After creating heaven and earth,
God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing God said to them was:
"Don't what?" Adam asked.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit, said God."
"Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?"
Adam and Eve asked, jumping up and down excitedly.
"It's over there," said God, wondering why he
hadn't stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later God saw the kids having
an apple break and he was very angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the
First Parent asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why DID you do it? " God asked
"I dunno," Adam answered.
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
But there is a reassurance In this story.
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give your
children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be so
hard on yourself.
If God had trouble handling his children, what makes you
think it should be a piece of cake for you?
posted by ListHostess Shirley
"Dear IRS: I would like to cancel my subscription.
Please remove my name from your mailing list..."
posted by JohnPaul
This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress
that builds up during the day.
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
l cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie
The rest of Oreos in the package
2 pints Rocky Road ice cream, nuts, cherries and whipped
1 jar hot fudge sauce
2 loaves garlic bread
4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
3 Snickers bars
Late Evening News:
Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from
Rules for this Diet
1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it
has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the
calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count
if you do not eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as
hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you
6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories
because they are part of the entertainment package and
not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds,
buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, and Tootsie
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of
breaking causes calorie leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories
if you are in the process of preparing something.
9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of
calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream;
mushrooms and mashed potatoes.
10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted
for any other food color.
11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories.
This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric
12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no
calories since the calories rightfully belong to the
other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL
know how calories like to cling!)
REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS
posted by ListHostess Shirley
Cool Fact: Emotional Robot
Q. What is unusual about Kismet the robot?
A. A robot named Kismet has the ability to show emotional
responses. Researchers are developing the machine by
training it in social interaction with human beings,
something like the way a newborn infant learns to
communicate with its mother.
Kismet has a head, with round, blue eyes, and furry
eyebrows that can move two different ways. It has a mouth
with red lips, which can show many different shapes. Its
head and face continue to evolve and become more
expressive as the designers add new features and improve
Kismet is an example of the new field of "altricial
robotics" - robots that "grow up," like
living things, by learning how to behave through
interactions with others.
More about Kismet:
Some of JohnPaul's poems....
Let me go where'er I will
I hear a sky-born music still:
It sounds from all things old,
It sounds from all things young,
From all that's fair....
Peals out a cheerful song.
It is not only in the rose,
It is not only in the bird,
Not only where the rainbow glows,
Nor in the song of woman heard,
But in the darkest, meanest things
There always, always something sings.
'Tis not in the high stars alone,
Nor in the cups of budding flowers,
Nor in the red breast's mellow tone,
Nor in the bow that smiles in showers,
But in the mud and scum of things
There always, always something sings.
....Ralph Waldo Emerson
Share some hugs today.
hugs John Paul
MAY GOD AND YOU
(prayer for your infant)
May God and you
Walk that lighted path together
and may you go through life
hand in hand forever
He'll be there as you grow
and He'll see you through the years
When you're down and low
and just can't face your fears
Always look to Him for forgiveness
and may you feel His special glow
that will light you from within
and follow you wherever you go
May you always feel His everlasting love
Through your years of young and old
until you reach those gates to Heaven
and into His embracing hold.
By Sheri Hodges(c)
Mom brought him home for me one day
In a basket of baby-blue,
I kisses his bald and wrinkled head
And whispered, "I love you."
He wasn't fun to play with then
This infant red as a beet,
For entertainment all he did
Was kick and eat and sleep.
Perhaps, I thought, we'll give him back
This brother is a drag,
He's much too young to play my games
OF junp-rope, jacks and tag.
But Mother said he's here for keeps,
I was thankful in the end;
My brother, once a childhood pest,
Is now my dearest friend.
THINGS THEY'LL REMEMBER:
The stories that you read to them
Before they go to bed
The comfort of your presence
While their prayers are being said
The birthday cakes with candles
For all their growing years
the sharing of their secrets
The drying of their tears
The snowman that you helped create
The visits to the zoo
Summer outings at the beach
The family barbecue
Little things that seem to go
Unnoticed and unsung
Are the things they will remember
Of the days when they were young
And the loving care that lies behind
These little things will be
A lasting recollection
And a cherished memory.
Hugs John Paul
from our ListHostess Shirley
Quotes by Erma Bombeck
One thing they never tell you about child raising is that
for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are
expected to know your child's name and how old he or she
I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the
bottom of a hill.
You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American
family. Families aren't dying. They're merging into big
Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen
Keller is the other.
Don't go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
It goes without saying that you should never have more
children than you have car windows.
Dreams have but one owner at a time. That is why dreamers
More from Erma
Spend at least one Mother's
Day with your respective mothers before you decide on
marriage. If a man gives his mother a gift certificate
for a flu shot, dump him.
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where
you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from
Making coffee has become the great compromise of the
decade. It's the only thing "real" men do that
doesn't seem to threaten their masculinity.
To women, it's on the same domestic entry level as
putting the spring back into the toilet-tissue holder or
taking a chicken out of the freezer to thaw.
I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on
the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for
replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house
would know what Mama knows.
Giving birth is little more than a set of muscular
contractions granting passage of a child. Then the mother
Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with
stop offs at tedium and counter productivity.
There's a territorial ritual to an aerobics class. I
entered a class for the first time a few years ago and
ended up where no one wanted to be...in the front row
next to the mirror. It was three years before I could
work my way to the back row.
How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?
Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.
I have never gone to the bathroom in my life that a small
voice on the other side of the door hasn't whined,
"Are you saving the bananas for anything?"
Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's
Graduation day is tough for adults. They go to the
ceremony as parents. They come home as contemporaries.
After twenty-two years of child-rearing, they are
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking
for, go live with a car battery.
There is nothing more miserable in the world than to
arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.
Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with
extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their
own weight and dump him into the bathtub.
Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from
a book club. You're not out of it until the computer SAYS
you're out of it.
Why is it when you want a nice souvenir, you find a great
shell in a gift shop, but some yo-yo has affixed a
ten-cent thermometer to it?
Kids have little computer bodies with disks that store
information. They remember who had to do the dishes the
last time you had spaghetti, who lost the knob off the Tv
set six years ago, who got punished for teasing the dog
wasn't teasing the dog and who had to wear girls boots
the last time it snowed.
Who, in their infinite wisdom, decreed that Little League
uniforms be white?
Certainly not a mother.
People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they
do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for
something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room
No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations
on the eve of a major holiday.
On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy
ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off
our bodies and the sand out of our belongings.
Mother's words of wisdom: "Answer me! Don't talk
with food in your mouth!"
All of us have moments in our lives that test our
courage. Taking children into a house with white carpet
is one of them.
Most children's first words are "Mama" or
"Daddy." Mine were, "Do I have to use my
Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they
flunked human anatomy.
I remember buying a set of black plastic dishes once,
after I saw an ad on television where they actually put a
blowtorch to them and they emerged unscathed. Exactly one
week after I bought them, one of the kids brought a
dinner plate to me with a large crack in it. When I asked
what happened to it, he said it hit a tree. I don't want
to talk about it.
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply,
smell, catch on fire or block the refrigerator door, let
it be. No one cares. Why should you?
Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure
they're not trying to keep up with you.
Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off
one light in the kitchen? Three. It takes one to say,
"What light?" and two more to say, "I
didn't turn it on."
Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.
Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out
questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to
have a market on the supply. "Do you want a spanking
or do you want to go to bed?" "Don't you want
to save some of the
pizza for your brother?" "Wasn't there any
I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic
without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society
where it is traditional to wear clothes.
The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly
you are served in a restaurant. We once had a waiter in
Canada who said, "Could I get you your check?"
and we answered, "How about the menu first?"
Mothers have to remember what food each child likes or
dislikes, which one is allergic to penicillin and hamster
fur, who gets carsick and who isn't kidding when he
stands outside the bathroom door and tells you what's
going to happen if he doesn't get in right away. It's
tough. If they all have the same hair color they tend to
When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of
advice?" it's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if
you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.
No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have
known mothers who remake the bed after their children do
it because there's a wrinkle in the spread or the blanket
is on crooked. This is sick.
When mothers talk about the depression of the empty nest,
they're not mourning the passing of all those wet towels
on the floor, or the music that numbs your teeth, or even
the bottle of capless shampoo dribbling down the shower
drain. They're upset because they've gone from supervisor
of a child's life to a
spectator. It's like being the vice president of the
Christmas Shopping: Wouldn't it be wonderful to find one
gift that you didn't have to dust, that had to be used
right away, that was practical, fit everyone, was
personal and would be remembered for a long time? I
penciled in "Gift
certificate for a flu shot."
This page was last updated June 24,