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More Erma-isms

Someday when my children are old enough to understand the logic that motivates a mother and father, I will tell them.

I loved you enough to ask you about where you were going, with whom, and what time you would get home.

I loved you enough to be silent and let you discover that your hand-picked friend was a creep.

I loved you enough to make you return the "Milky Way" with the bite out of it--to a drugstore and to confess, "I stole this."

I loved you enough to stand over you for 2 hours while you cleaned your room, a job that would have taken me 15 minutes.

I loved you enough to let you see anger, disappointment, disgust, and tears in my eyes.

I loved you enough to admit I was wrong and asked for your forgiveness.

I loved you enough to let you stumble, fall, and get hurt.

I loved you enough to let you assume the responsibility for your actions at 6, 10, and 16.

But most of all, I loved you enough to say "no" when you hated me for it. That was the hardest part of all.

--Erma Bombeck

A PRAYER FOR PARENTS

Now I lay me down to sleep.
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they're stuffing down the sink,
Or who they're with, or where they're at
And what they're doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish--dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean
(well, heck, I've got the right to dream)
Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!

--Erma Bombeck

No More Oatmeal Cookies
--Erma Bombeck

Ok. One of these days, you'll shout, "Why don't you kids grow up and act your age!" And they will. Or, "You guys get outside and find yourselves something to do...and don't slam the door!" And they won't.

You'll straighten up the kid's bedrooms near and tidy: bumper stickers discarded, bedspread tucked and smooth, toys displayed on the shelves. Hangers in the closet. Animals caged. And you'll say out loud, "Now I want it to stay this way." And it will.

You'll prepare perfect dinner with a salad that hasn't been picked to death and a cake with no finger traces in the icing, and you'll say, "Now, there's a meal for company." And you'll eat it alone.

You'll say, "I want complete privacy on the phone. No dancing around. No demolition crews. Silence -- do you hear?" And you'll have it.

No more plastic table clothes stained with spaghetti. No more bedspreads to protect the sofa from damp bottoms. No more gates to stumble over at the top of the basement steps. No more clothes pins under the sofa. No more playpens to arrange the room around.

No more anxious nights under a vaporizer tent. No more dand on the sheets. No more iron-on patches, rubber bands for ponytails, tight boots or wet knotted shoestrings.

Imagine. A lipstick with a point on it. No baby-sitter for New Year's Eve. Washing once a week. Seeing a steak that isn't ground. Having your teeth cleaned without a baby on your lap.

No more PTA meetings. No car pools. No blaring radios. No one washing her hair at 11 o'clock at night. Having your own roll of scotch tape.

Think about it. No more Christmas presents out of tooth picks and library paste. No more sloppy oatmeal kisses. No more tooth fairy. No giggles in the dark. No knees to heal, no responsibility.

Only a voice crying, "Why don't you grow up?" and the silence echoing, "I did."

from webmistress Eireann

Ten Reasons Why
Laughter Is The Best Road
To Health And Fitness


1. It is less expensive than drugs, herbs or therapy.
2. A good belly laugh is better for the abs than sit-ups.
3. It is an activity you can enjoy anywhere (except your daughter's piano recital).
4. It requires no expensive equipment.
5. It can take place in large groups or by yourself. (We suggest you put a limit on the time you spend sitting alone in public laughing hysterically).
6. You never stop laughing halfway through like you might put down a self-help book.
7. Laughing leaves no aftertaste or bad breath.
8. Have you ever seen a sick hyena?
9. No one has ever been mugged while laughing.
10. George Burns lived to be 100.

from listmistress Shirley

This site is fun to go through. I've found that some of the links are outdated, but most work fine. There are some very good links on this page for free stuff. Some of the samples are for the US only but there are several for other countries too.

I hope you all have as much fun with this as I have....: )

http://www.freeyellow.com/members7/buttercup2000/index.html

from our ListHostess Shirley

Please welcome our newest members to the HOMESPUN group: BEVERLY, LINDA, SHEILA, DEE-DEE, RUBY, SHORT, J BULLOCK, MICKY, ROSETTA, LORNA, THE CARR FAMILY, W SMITH, ALICE, GAYLE, DELLA, MIKE, KYBRENDA, L J HELGERSON, MARY, and ROCKINN.
Tell us a bit about yourselves...don't be shy...just jump in!

Also, a big WELCOME HOME to PJAFLA.

Please welcome our newest neighbors to the KITCHEN table: LINDA, ALICE, MCGREGORY, and BT99PULL.

from Nancy

Here's one we're all familiar with...

I Can't Remember

Just a line to say I'm living
That I'm not among the dead,
Though I'm getting more forgetful
And mixed up in the head.
I'm used to my arthritis
To my dentures I'm resigned
I can manage my bifocals
But god, I miss my mind
Sometimes I Can't remember
When I'm at the foot of stairs
If I Must go up for something
Or I just came down from there
And before the fridge, so often
My mind is filled with doubt
Have I just put food away?
Of did I come to take it out?
There are times when it is dark
With my nightcap on my head
I don't know if I'm retiring
Of just getting out of bed.
So at my turn to write you
There's no need in getting sore
I may think that I have written
and not want to be a bore.
So remember that I love you
And I wish that you were near,
Now it's time to mail this letter
So I say, "Good bye, my dear."
Here I stand beside the mail box
With my face so very red.
Instead of mailing you this letter,
I opened it instead!

from Mary Ann

The Paradox of Our Time in History

`*::*::*

Interesting:

`

The paradox of our time in history is that we
have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider
freeways, but narrower viewpoints; we spend
more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy it less.

``

We have bigger houses and smaller families;
more conveniences, but less time; we have more
degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but
less judgment; more experts, but more problems;
more medicine, but less wellness.

`

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced
our values. We talk too much, love too seldom,
and hate too often. We've learned how to make
a living, but not a life; We've added years to life,
not life to years.

`

We've been all the way to the moon and back,
but have trouble crossing the street to meet the
new neighbor. We've conquered outer space, but
not inner space; We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul;
We've split the atom, but not our prejudice;

`

We have higher incomes, but lower morals;
We've become long on quantity, but short on quality.

`

These are the times of tall men, and short character; steep profits, and shallow relationships. These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare; more leisure, but less fun; more kinds of food, but less nutrition. These are days of two incomes, but more divorce; of fancier houses, but broken homes.

`

It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the stockroom; a time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to make a difference, or to just hit delete...

`

More Gen Quips

Genealogy is my pastime, I shall not stray
It maketh me to lie down and examine tombstones
It leadeth me into still courthouses
It restoreth my Ancestral Knowledge
It leadeth me in the paths of census records and
ships' passenger lists for my surnames' sake

Yea, though I walk through the shadows of research
libraries and microfilm readers
I shall fear no discouragement,
for a strong urge is within me
The curiosity and motivation, they comforteth me
It demandeth preparation of storage space for the

acquisition of countless documents
It anointest my head with burning midnight oil
My family group sheets runneth over
Surely, birth, marriage, and death dates shall follow me
all the days of my life
And I shall dwell in the house of a family
history-seeker forever

from our ListHostess Shirley

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Sindelfingen, and rounds them off.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.