Every Genealogist can relate to these.......
- Undocumented genealogy is mythology.
- My ancestors must have been in a "Witness
- My family tree must have been used for firewood!
- Whoever said "Seek and ye shall find" was
not a genealogist
- Am I the only person up my tree? --- Seems like it
- I'm not stuck.......I'm ancestrally challenged
- I researched my family tree....apparently I don't
- Why are there so many gnarled limbs on my family tree?
- I'm stuck in my family tree.....and I can't get down!
- My husband has started calling cemeteries
- To a genealogist, EVERYTHING is relative!
GENEALOGY POX WARNING!!
Very contagious to adults.
Continual complaint as to need for names, dates and places. Patient has blank
expression, sometimes deaf to spouse and children. Has no taste for work of
any kind, except feverishly looking through records at libraries and
courthouses. Has compulsion to write letters, swears at mailman when he
does not leave mail. Frequents strange places such as cemeteries, ruins and
remote desolate country areas. Makes secret night calls, hides phone bills
from spouse, mumbles to self, has strange far-away look in eyes.
NO KNOWN CURE!
Medication is useless. Disease is not fatal but gets progressively worse.
Patient should attend genealogy workshops and subscribe to genealogy
magazines and be given a quiet corner in the house where he/she can be
The usual nature of this disease is..the sicker the patient gets, the more he/she
- The will you need is in a safe onboard the
- You finally find the wedding record for
your gggrandfather only to discover he married Mary SMITH whose father was John SMITH and
mother was Mary JONES!
- You have finally found the information you
needed to solve the family mystery you have been working on for 2 years and your elderly
aunt says " I could have told you that!"
- You find an old family photo album and
upon close examination, there are no names on the pictures.
- You learn that your great grandmother's
family bible (passed down through the family for 3 generations) was sold at an estate sale
in New York City.
- You find your family in the census
and write to the county where they lived for 40 years, only to receive a letter stating
all the county records burned.
- You learn there is a county history on
microfilm of the county your ancestors originated. It has 16000 pages and is not
- The public ceremony in which your
distinguished ancestor participated and at which the platform collapsed under him, turned
out to be a hanging.
Where is that guy Murphy anyway??
I really do have a few things to say to him!
Ed McMahon, several TV cameras and an
envelope from Publishers Clearing
House arrive at your front door on
Super Bowl Sunday, and the first thing
you say is, "Are you related to
the McMahons of Ohio?"
Ever wonder why you can't make heads or tails out of the
Ocupayshun, Cencus Taker
"I am a cencus takers for the city of
Bufflow. Our city has groan very fast in resent
yeers & now in 1865, it has become a hard & time
consuming job to count all the peephill. There
are not many that con do this werk, as it is
nesessarie to have a ejucashun, wich a lot of
pursons steal don not have. Anuther atribeart
needed for this job is god speling, for meny of
the peephill to be counted can hardle speek inglish, let alon spel there names!"
Genealogists say the funniest things!
We are sending you 5 children in a separate envelope.
- These quotes are from copies of actual correspondence
received by the
- Family History Department of the LDS Church:
My Grandfather died at the age of 3.
Will you please send me the name of my first wife? I have
forgotten her name.
We lost our Grandmother, will you please send us a copy?
The wife of #22 could not be found. Somebody suggested
that she might have been stillborn - what do you think?
Will you send me a list of all the Dripps in your library?
Further research will be necessary to eliminate one of the
He and his daughter are listed as not being born.
I would like to find out if I have any living relatives or
dead relatives or ancestors in my family.
A 14-year-old boy wrote: "I do not want you to do my
research for me. Will you please send me all of the material on the Welch line, in the US,
England and Scotland countries? I will do the research.
|THE ELUSIVE ANCESTOR
I went searching for an ancestor. I cannot find him still.
He moved around from place to place and did not leave a will.
He married where a courthouse burned. He mended all his fences.
He avoided any man who came to take the U.S. Census.
He always kept his luggage packed, this man who had no fame.
And every 20 years or so, this rascal changed his name.
His parents came from Europe. They should be upon some list
of passengers to U.S.A., but somehow they got missed.
And no one else in this world is searching for this man.
So, I play geneasolitaire to find him if I can.
I'm told he's buried in a plot, with tombstone he was blessed;
but the weather took engraving, and some vandals took the rest.
He died before the county clerks decided to keep records.
No Family Bible has emerged, in spite of all my efforts.
To top it off this ancestor, who caused me many groans,
Just to give me one more pain, betrothed a girl named JONES.
by Merrell Kenworthy
How does that relation
Many many years ago, When I was twenty-three,
I got married to a widow, Who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter, Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law, And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father; Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became, A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter, Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother, And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife, She's my grandmother too.
If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become, The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!
I'm my own grandpa.
I'm my own grandpa.
It sounds funny, I know,
But it really is so,
Oh, I'm my own grandpa.
"I'm My Own Grandpa" - Lonzo
Composed by Moe Jaffe & Dwight Latham.
Recorded by many people, including Guy Lombardo, Phil Harris, Jo Stafford
("I'm My Own Grandmaw"), Homer & Jethro, and Ray Stevens.
Just for fun
My family tree needs more wood and less
My family tree must be a pecan because it
is full of nuts.
Old genealogist never die, they just lose
Genealogy is not fatal, but it is a grave
Heredity: Everyone believes in it until
their children act like fools!
"Sure, a real job would be nice, but
it would interfere with my genealogy!"
So many dead people! So little time!
Who's in charge of washing the Family
The inhabitants of this place have
been stricken with
A Deadly and Infectious Disease
Symptoms: Notepapers stuffed in pockets and files; heart
palpitations at the sight of gravestones and old trunks
filled with letters; bloodshot eyes from excessive microfilm
exposure; erratic speech patterns punctuated with pilgrims and
princes; cold sweat upon the arrival of the daily mail.
Okay...c'mon admit it. Haven't
we all felt like this???
NEXT GENERATION GENEALOGISTS
A modern mother is explaining to her little girl about pictures in the family photo album.
"This is the geneticist with your surrogate mother and here's your sperm donor and
your father's clone. This is me holding you when you were just a frozen embryo. The lady
with the very troubled look on her face is your aunt, she's the family genealogist."
- I'm sure I have run into a few descendants of this
- on the genealogy mailing lists. How bout you??
- The BICKERSONS
- Ima Bickerson married R.U. Crabby years ago........
- Their children -
- Discontented Devan
- Erritable Ella
- Grouchy Gerta
- Unhappy Ulam
- Patience and Respect (twins) died off early
- THIS FAMILY SPREAD IT'S SEED COAST TO COAST
A Genealogist's wish list............
I want ancestors with names like Rudimentary Montagnard or
Melchizedick von Steubenhoffmannschild or Spetznatz
Gianfortoni, not William Brown or John Hunter or Mary Abbott.
I want ancestors who could read and write, had their children
baptized in recognized houses of worship, went to school,
purchased land, left detailed wills (naming a huge extended
family as legatees), had their photographs taken once a year --
subsequently putting said pictures in elaborate isinglass frames
annotated with calligraphic inscriptions, and carved voluble and
informative inscriptions in their headstones.
I want relatives who managed to bury their predecessors in
established, still-extant (and indexed) cemeteries.
I want family members who wrote memoirs, who enlisted in the
military as officers and who served in strategically important (and
well documented) skirmishes.
I want relatives who served as councilmen, schoolteachers,
county clerks and town historians.
I want relatives who 'religiously' wrote in the family Bible,
journaling every little event And detailing the familial relationship
of every visitor.
In the case of immigrant progenitors, I want them to have arrived
only in those years wherein passenger lists were indexed by
National Archives, and I want them to have applied for
citizenship, and to have done so only in those jurisdictions
which have since established indices.
I want relatives who were patriotic and clubby, who joined every
patrimonial society they could find, who kept diaries, and listed
all their addresses, who had paintings made of their horses, and
who dated every piece of paper they touched.
I want forebears who were wealthy enough to afford, and to
keep for generations, the tribal homestead, and who left all the
aforementioned pictures and diaries and journals intact in the
But most of all, I want relatives I can find!!!
© Barbara A. Brown
*Ms. Brown's "I Want" article was originally posted in 1994 to
the National Genealogical Conference, FIDO bulletin board
(Thanks, Barbara, for permission to use your great poem!)
"God, why did you give me Smith,
Jones and Walker families?????
Funny Names in
Good Ole Days??
For Our Ancestors
Genealogy Funny Papers
Stop by and Visit the other web sites I
Descendants Genealogy Group
Free databases where you will find many, many Smelser/Smeltzer/Smelcer
etc... records such as:
Marriages, Civil War records, wills, census, land records, birth
records, death records, biographies, descendant charts and more!
Finder - A
Directory of free census records online and information about researching
census records. This site also offers directories of genealogy
societies and historical museums. New at CensusFinder is a section
Findings which is devoted to
asked in the census for each US Federal census year:
Ancestor Hunt Free Genealogy
- At this site you will not only find free
genealogy search engines and sources but a large collection of Family
Bibles which I have transcribed and posted the actual images from.
Stop by and take a peek to see if we have any of your ancestors in our
Bible Records. Another great section is
Obituary Search which includes the Obituary Search Portal and links
newspaper obituaries online.